Spending Excuses

Hello. My name is Holley. I am a shopper.

There are many reasons that I love shopping. It's exercise, it has a tangible end, it makes me feel accomplished, it's distracting. But one of the best aspects of shopping for me is that I'm good at it. I find gems that cost pennies.

That being said, looking at my bank account and revolving credit line makes me want to puke.

Here are the bogus excuses I use to justify unnecessary spending:

• I don't own a car, so if I was a normal person this money would get spent on that.
• I don't drink, and shopping is a better habit than drinking. Instead of spending money on booze, I spend money on cardigans. I can wear cardigans to work. 
• My living expenses are low.
• I owe it to myself to do something nice for me and have nice things.
• I don't plan on having kids, so I don't need to plan for that expense.
• I have a 401k plan and my job matches my Social Security benefits, so I don't need to save for retirement (right now). 
• It's not like I'm ever going to get to retire - at this rate no one will.
• Shopping is cheaper than therapy and at least I get something out of it.

These excuses are just excuses; I need to button down and stop frivolous spending. 

Someone hold me to that. JCP has some cute, bright sweaters - and I am weak.

Inside Jokes

As many of you might know, I am an only child. Which, for me, meant I was home alone quite often. Since I grew up solo, I found ways to entertain myself. In my adult life, this has been a tough habit to kick.

Now that I'm grown and live with Jared, I still talk and joke with myself. I make up inside jokes that I only get.

Maybe everyone does this. After all, one's idea of normal is based on oneself. Normal is in the eye of the beholder? Or is that average? I'm off topic.

Here are a few examples of things I do (now mostly in my head) that entertain me throughout the day. Before assimilating to social norms... I did many of these out loud.

Every morning when I go into my sock drawer or pick up my shoes, I chant/sing to myself, "Shoes and socks! Socks and shoes!"

When people make direct statements, I like to say, "Well, isn't that ironic." I do this, because I hate when people talk about things being ironic... so I'm saying, "Well, isn't that ironic," ironically. Unfortunately, no one is in on the joke, and I end up sounding really stupid.

Coworker-friend: Yea, Jason loves baseball!
Me: Well, isn't that ironic.

When I don't know the words to songs, I usually know the melody. Instead of just humming, I sing words that fit the melody that I can hear in my head as mumbles. I did this recently to Lady Gaga's Telephone... I had no idea what song I was singing. My coworker got a good laugh.

When I read emails, I give the person a funny voice and add emphasis on words that were not meant to be emphasized.

What's something you do that keeps you laughing?

Would anyone be interested in a post about my skin care regimen? I feel like it wouldn't apply well to other people... unless everyone is oily, acne-prone and has dermographia.

Marriage and My Boyfriend, the Republican

Without the exciting experience of getting to know a new partner - I'm now dating a Republican.

The talk radio that Jared listens to two hours a day, four days a week has made his political views face right. I'm not saying that he's a bat-shit-crazy right-winger (yet), but his moderate views have taken a swing for the conservative. A part of me wonders if he has done this in order to argue more often. Everyone loves a good debate, amiright?

Anyway, the way this came about was that Jared and I discussed gay marriage after the President made his view known. Like all our political talks, we did not discuss our personal views. Instead we argued over semantics. I think that marriage was created and exists in order to provide a stable financial unit in which to raise a child. Jared thinks that marriage exists in order to encourage people to have children. (I don't think people need to be encouraged to breed.)

Where this led to was that straight marriage creates people, gay marriage on the other hand can lead to the fostering and adoption of people in need. So, being me, the debate ended with the following statement, "Well then, by your definition I'm pro Gay Marriage and anti Straight Marriage."

Segue.

Why is everyone getting engaged right now? It's always insane the number of people getting married in the summer. Can't we all just agree to not cheat without permission and to buy one another jewelry on occasion?

Breaking Habits

I have a lot of compulsive habits that I shouldn't let rule me.

I window shop online a lot: hours a day almost everyday. I don't purchase things often. I don't trust sizing. I don't trust return policies for online merchandise. I'm too lazy to take my returns to the post office. I don't understand why I am on there flash websites or what I think I'm looking for. I do not want for anything. Anything I do need I can buy full price. These websites are stealing away my time.

I'm taking an internet hiatus.

I can check my email once a day.

I can watch shows on Hulu, but I cannot multitask.

That is all.

I also need to work on not picking.
I should also avoid dairy and soda.
What has gotten into me this week?

When I was 15...

When I was 15, I lived with my mother and step-father in a two bedroom house (at times classified as a mobile home) in Destin, Fl. I didn't go to the beach. I spent the majority of my free-time in front of a computer using Gaia Online as a social network under the user name "Trugoy."  At the time, I was well known in the Gaia Online art forum for having a lot of gold.

I had no interest in driving a car. I had never been to a party that didn't involve a cake with candles. I had no idea that we'd be moving to Wisconsin in one year.

I had long, slightly wavy hair with a pale face full of acne and freckles. I thought I was fat and ugly, but hilarious and smart. I had a penchant for matching my shirt with large, beaded accessories my Gram made. I wore red, suede Vans and Tilt jeans almost everyday.

I loved Metric, Maroon 5, Pink, Trick Pony and The Postal Service. My favorite movie was Encino Man or Airheads... or Monkey Bone. Really, I was madly in love with Brendan Fraser.

I worked for my parents off and on compiling a database of rental homes in the Florida panhandle.

That year, almost immediately following my 15th birthday, I started at Okaloosa-Walton Community College Collegiate High School. Depending on who you ask, I wanted to be a psychologist, an artist or a politician. In reality, I wanted to be retired.

I didn't really have a best friend. I had many friends who I very much liked, but (excuses excuses) I had a hard time opening myself up to people (as I do now). That said, I bounced between Amanda, Lizzy, Liz, Michelle and Michael as being my good friends. I started dating Michael that September. It was nice to be around his family who are devoted to each other.

In 2012, I'm living with my boyfriend (and best friend) Jared in our own apartment in Minneapolis. I'm out of school, and I work for a Fortune 500 company at their headquarters. I want to be the best me possible. I still have no interest in driving. I look basically the same. My favorite bands are Metric, Death Cab for Cutie, Kanye West and The Hold Steady. I sometimes am on Gaia Online... like twice a year to check my mail. I still love Brendan Fraser, but my favorite movie is Amelie.

Things to Come

Now that I have landed an awesome job, I have the luxury of upping my goals.

Start a career Establish myself in my new career
Move to a bigger apartment Buy a house
Go to Disney in late fall October
Visit Aunt Leigh in San Francisco in late spring/early summer May
Spend 5 days at the cabin in summer
Go to the State Fair
Go to the Aquatennial
Buy a nice, foldout couch
Buy a queen sized bed
Start paying off Student Loans
Show Amanda around town

Now, to make the bigger of those goals achievable and on a time frame (the trips are already on a time frame).

Establish myself in my new career

I got the job! I got the job!

Now, I need to have fantastic statistics and excellent quality reviews. I also want people to A) know who I am and B) want me around. I'd also like to get in on as many projects as possible. I want to be trained on anything I can get my hands on. And, I want everything to be done with a smile!

If I can do all of this, I might have a fighting chance at a future promotion. ;) Or maybe that's just ambition talking.

Buy a house

Right now, mortgages are cheaper than rent. We could double the square feet we live in, avoid noisy neighbors and the crazy ghost clanking noise I keep hearing at 3 am... and have a yard for Gizmo to run in!

I want a place on the bus line for work, at least 900 sq feet, and in a great neighborhood. The house also needs at least a hook up for a washer and dryer (bonus points for actually having the appliances). Jared and I both work full-time, so we don't want a fixer upper. All that for under $100,000, and we will have found the perfect place!

We'd most likely renew our rent here and save money for a down-payment. Hopefully, I can get a mortgage pre-approval set up within the next three months. It wouldn't make sense to move twice just to change locations. After we find a place, we can start working toward the new couch and bed.

Start paying off Student Loans

After I've established an emergency fund (most likely in March), I'm going to start throwing money into the house fund and at my student loans. I'm going to go at it with the snowball method... and aggressively. What I mean is that I'm going to hand over big chunks of my income toward one loan at a time. I'm thinking I'll be (student loan) debt free in two years.

So, as plans go (it's more of a guideline) that is going to be my 2012!

VLOG 2: New Job, New Goals

The Annual Purge

One thing that I've never had and do not miss is a sense of occasion. We put our Christmas tree up in January. I give gifts as soon as I purchase them. Birthdays mean free desserts from restaurants we already frequent. Turkey is usually dry and flavorless... even on the third week of November. We do celebrate February 15th; half-priced candy is all the rage.

Sometimes my urges match up in a timely way. This is one of those times. 

The combination of self-help with an arbitrary holiday makes my whole brain shut down. In that way, I dislike traditional New Year's resolutions. However, weight loss and spring cleaning is all I can think about. 

I'm not going on a diet. I'm going to start eating the "Healthy Choice" option four days a week in the cafe at work. I'm going to purchase a Wii Fit bundle and start playing that instead of shopping. Which ties in with my other problem...

I'm annoyed and angry about how much stuff is in my house. My apartment is filthy and cluttered. I believe the root cause is A) the lack of tools to clean, and B) too much stuff and not enough space. 

As a first leap, I bought a vacuum. Not the glorified dust buster we purchased on Black Friday, but a full-on, in your face, sucking the floor off your apartment... vacuum. I've named her Muriel. 

I've also decided to throw out or donate everything I don't use frequently. I feel like I do this every year. I need to stop buying stuff that I don't love or absolutely need. I mean my sweater collection is impressive... and I'm totally cool with having as many as I do. But, why did I buy two pairs of Nike's when I only wear my KEEN tennis shoes? This needs to stop before I start looking like the junk lady from the Labyrinth.

That's hot.

Part of me feels like I need to create a psychological reason for my shopping. Perhaps I am collecting things as a way to anchor myself and create security. Perhaps it's something from my childhood... like how as a child I was surrounded by things I did not choose. Many times I was in a situation I could not control. Now, I'm choosing things myself in an effort to control my life. Or maybe, I just like shopping. Yea, I think that's it. 

I have everything that I need. Now, I just need to get rid of the things I don't. Sentimentality be damned. 

TL;DR: I'm a fat slob. Something has to give. 

Things to Do 2012

Start a career
Move to a bigger apartment
Go to Disney in late fall
Visit Aunt Leigh in San Francisco in late spring/early summer
Spend 5 days at the cabin in summer
Go to the State Fair
Go to the Aquatennial
Buy a nice, foldout couch
Buy a queen sized bed
Start paying off Student Loans
Show Amanda around town

Three Years, Three Days

This Monday was Jared and my 3 year anniversary. We didn't do much for the actual day. Jared came home with a bouquet of daisies. We went to Java and ate at the dinner buffet. Then, I passed out. (I rolled my ankle over the weekend and was totally wiped out from walking around at work. That's actually why I'm updating in the middle of the day today. I needed a day off to myself.)

This year was our first year of living together as well as our first year out of school. We worked full-time jobs for the first six-months working opposite shifts Monday through Friday. I was sick for a number of months and out of work for a number more. Jared continued to work his job in various locations for Swiss Valley. It was trying to work opposite shifts and only see each other on weekends. It was also trying to live together with a lot less solitary time than we are used to.

In May, we moved to Minneapolis together to our first shared apartment. In July we adopted a dog together. I look forward to what will happen next in our fourth year.

The day we signed our lease.

Big Girl Accomplishments: Back to Earth

I've decided that my benchmarks are good, but my prizes are too lofty to serve a purpose.

The idea of goals, for me, is to distract myself from my compulsion to shop. If I was more tech-savvy, I'd block online stores. What I have done (and this is silly) is I bought myself a wonderful, beautiful, quality purse that I would love to use and think about everyday. I set this purse on top of our DVD stand. I've decided I am not allowed to use my purse until I'm out of debt (small bank loan, store cards, credit cards). I'm about half way there so far. I want to pay off all my store cards and credit card before touching the loan. That way, I'm eliminating high APRs.

I can't really worry about money though. As long as I pull in some sort of income, I'll be fine. With my rent and expenses as low as they are, I can easily survive on unemployment insurance while searching for a new job. However, I find myself more frugal and more financially insecure when I'm making money and on the edge of debt. When I'm close to maxing out my credit... I feel like I can go crazy, like 23 is a great age to go into an absurd amount of debt. When I have a job, and feel the struggle of paying bills using workable income... I stress out.

I'm off topic. Here are my new prizes that are in a lower price range. Plus, some of these things I need to replace/need for my house. What I would like to do... (and this is something I'm not sure is a good idea) is to buy my prizes ahead of time (not all at once) and set them in the living room like I have my purse. It's easier to say no to temptation with a goal within reach.

Accomplishment: Pay Off Debt

I finally will get to use my new purse! AND I'll buy a vacuum!

Accomplishment: Build Up $1000 Emergency Fund

New Keen shoes AND a new wireless mouse!

Accomplishment: Build Up $2500 Emergency Fund

iPod Nano

Accomplishment: Find a Full-time Permanent Job

Canon PowerShot ELPH 300 HS AND (if I need them) computer glasses

Accomplishment: Build Up $1000 Savings Account

ECO Citizen Watch

And to all you self-proclaimed responsible adults out there - I understand that the goal itself should be enough, but I'm a Womangirl and need pretties to make myself work.

Big Girl Accomplishments

Today, Jared and I talked about motivation. In my mind, motivation comes in three materialistic, money-grubbin' forms. Provide incentive by promising new, great things for the two of us: house, car, shorter commute. Provide incentive by promising new, awesome things for himself: iPod touch, speaker system, smartphone. And finally, the less fun one, deny himself something he enjoys until reaching specific benchmarks: no videogames until he's applied for so many jobs.

Last week, I also found myself wanting. I wanted not only small, simple things, but big, expensive things! Get Rich Slowly has taught me that I can have everything I want, just not all at once. So, I bring to you a list of Big Girl Accomplishments and their matching Big Girl Prizes. (All monetary benchmarks must include the price of the prize. Example: Accomplishment: Build Up $1000 Emergency Fund, Prize: Something That Costs $200. The entire amount saved should be over $1200.)

Accomplishment: Pay Off Debt

This is a pretty simple goal that is a huge deal. I want to pay off all credit card debt, store card debt and the loan I have with UWCU. I am not including my student loans in this goal, because I don't plan on paying them until I have to. 

Prize: Travelon Hanging Toiletry Kit

Accomplishment: Build Up $1000 Emergency Fund

It's important to build up an emergency fund, just in case I end up unemployed for a few months... again. 

Prize: Wacom Bamboo Pen Tablet

Accomplishment: Build Up $2500 Emergency Fund
Prize: iPod Nano

I'll get the newest one... whenever I have that much money saved.

Accomplishment: Find a Full-time Permanent Job

If I have accomplished the above goals and find a full-time permanent job... I'm going to spend a huge chunk of change on an amazing camera. 

Prize: Fuji Film FinePix X100

Accomplishment: Stay With the Same Company for One Year
Prize: Disney Vacation

Accomplishment: Build Up $1000 Savings Account
Prize: A New Couch!

Accomplishment: Build Up $2500 Savings Account AND Jared has a stable job
Prize: A New Home!

Timeline: What I Want to be When I Grow Up

When we were out at the cottage for July 4th, Jared's dad said that when he was young he wanted to be a hotel manager. I thought this was very strange. And it was made even stranger, because his current job trumps hotel manager by far. I have always had a hard time with goals and aspirations, but I've always had a dream job. This will be a short timeline of all the dream jobs I have had with a short blurb about them.

Robot: 1992-Present

When I was a young warthog girl, my mother would send me to Little Lighthouse Day Care. I have fond childhood memories of faking to nap, starting a battle of the sexes that resulted in tears, and an attention-grabbing tale of kicking a boy firmly between the legs. During this time, I insisted on wearing a pink windbreaker that was so tight I couldn't bend my arms. Given this uncomfortable position, I had to make an important decision: penguin or robot. From that day on, I have loved these metal men. I dance the robot; I drink from a robot bottle; I cheer on the Cylons.

Astronaut: 1996-1998
I've never been too interested in space. I've always been very interested in a zero gravity environment and awesome reflective helmets. My obvious career path was to be an Astronaut. Now, I just want to go in one of those vertical wind tunnels. This seems like a much better choice than being the best of the best and training for years to drink tang with chimps. --- I wonder where I'd need to go to just jump right in and drink tang with chimps.

Acrobat: 1999-2001
My mom hung ropes in our tree in the backyard. My friend Katie and I would swing from rope to rope accumulating blisters and knee scrapes. We were training to be in a travelling circus. I wanted to swing from high ropes over a safety net and ride an elephant in my off hours... or possibly play poker with the bears that ride unicycles.

Psychologist: 2003-2006
As an adolescent, I was very troubled. I wanted to become a psychologist to figure out what was wrong with me. It turns out that college provides those services for free, so I didn't need to put in all the leg work.

PR Representative: 2006
My major freshman year was business. I didn't want a business degree, but that's what my step-dad wanted for me. I thought I would become a PR Representative or a Marketing Researcher to incorporate both my interest in Psychology and Art

Art Teacher: 2008
When I figured out that I no longer lived with my parents and was free to do whatever I pleased, I switched my major to Art Education. I like kids. I like art. This could be a match! Then, I visited high school campuses, and hated it. I felt like kids took art as a blow off class, and teachers gave high marks out of obligation. I'm not a very good bureaucratic.

Artist: 2008-2009
I switched majors again to studio art. I enjoyed the classes more, but burnt out after a year of class 8 am to 5 pm and staying until 3 am to work on not sucking. I became more lax with my studies my senior year and realized that it was very unlikely for me to make it as an artist. I had no drive and no passion to produce.

Social Worker: 2009-2010
I was done with my art degree a year early, but didn't want to graduate at 20. I began taking psychology and women's studies classes. I was very interested in becoming a social worker... until I took a class that told me it was dangerous, stressful and didn't pay well. I'll pass.

Awesome: 1988-Present

What I Can Do When I Finally Find Employment

Preparing for the life you will have before you've even had an interview for a job is all the rage right now. In the spirit of poultry economics, I am going to list out all the amazing things I can do once I'm awesomely employed.

• Continue volunteering during the evenings at Jabbok Family Services
• Move to a bigger apartment (possibly the adorable ones one block off from here)
• Go to Disney World
• Adopt a corgi
• Feast on raspberries whenever I darn well please
• Shop without a ton of guilt
• Pay off credit card debt
• Get fat off of baklava
• Spoil Jared rotten with all the PS3 games he can shake a controller at
• Go to a concert (Deathcab will be here late August)
• Network with coworkers 
• Buy a Halloween costume
• Get a bus pass (yay!)
• Take dance classes
• Leap tall buildings in a single bound 
• Go three rounds with Rocky Balboa
• Party like it's 1999
• Live a lush life of affluence
• Spend my invisi-children's college funds on gambling and booze
• Buy myself a little something ... like a watch, a necklace... or a yacht
• Bring powdered wigs back into fashion 
• Use all that commute time on the bus to read Hunger Games and Harry Potter
• Replace that PS3 controller Jared broke from all that shaking
• Own a replica of a mastodon, or dig up a frozen one and reanimate it
• Use reanimated mastodon as primary transportation
• Eat a lot of pizza
• Have name legally changed to "Your Majesty"
• Hang out with Beyoncé
• Become a one-hit wonder
• Write a list that goes on far too long
• Challenge Katie Binning to a gun show
• Block out the sun, Mr. Burns style
• Create a super hero costume that functions in everyday life
• Create insane platform and run for Republican office
• Learn to love Cheetos

The employed care not for your horse power.

Sorry to all those searching for a gif of a corgi in a mastodon costume eating Cheetos.

Cool Craigslist Perspective

This week I started volunteering with COOL Youth, met a woman from Craigslist about a possible friendship and got a new perspective on what I want to do with my life. I will now approach these out of order, the way I was taught not to.

In March, I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for someone to hang out with once I moved to Minneapolis. I wanted to meet someone that lived in my neighborhood and wasn't frightening to spend time with. (At this point, I have ended half of my sentences with prepositions.) Krista replied one late night, and we traded Facebook information. Up until this week, we had been inadvertently avoiding each other. We met for coffee at a neighborhood coffee shop and then moved on to eat dinner at a local Vietnamese restaurant. Overall, I thought it went well, but I talked way too much. I think a lot of my uncontrollable life-story word vomit is rooted in the need to get it over with and lay the crazy out on the table.

Monday I also started volunteering for COOL Youth. "What is COOL Youth?" you might ask. It's a non-faith based after-school/summer program for low-income families in my neighborhood. And, it's amazing, and I love it. I hang out with fun kids all day who don't waste time trying to act suave and sophisticated. It's really refreshing, and we take turns battling to be the center of attention. Another great thing is the staff is awesome and really dedicated to the kids. Even grumpy, tired kids end up running around smiling their little faces off.

I'm liking the experience so much, I've applied to be an AmeriCorps Promise Fellow with COOL Youth and work there for a year. It's all plus-sides. I would get the experience necessary to coordinate a similar, youth-based program. I would be able to establish network connections in the community. Oh, and they'd pay me to be there. It's nuts. I've been looking at job requirements for positions around town with after-school programs and non-profits that work with youth. This AmeriCorps Promise Fellow position would give me the experience necessary to turn a beloved volunteer opportunity into a promising, non-morally compromising career. I think it's interesting that it took me this long to realize that I don't have to sell stuff to make a living.

Small Words

When I was fifteen, I read a book titled Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. Admittedly, I didn't understand a lot of the misogyny and ego stroking that went on behind the curtain of martians and religious questioning. Because of my naivety, I loved this book. One of my favorite topics approached was the difficulty of language. Michael Valentine remarked that the smaller words are, the more difficult they are to define. His example was "love." At this point in my life, I'm having a hard time with small words. Specifically, I have a hard time with "adult" and "peer."

I can drink, smoke, marry and vote, but I am not old enough to be considered dependent of my parents according to the FAFSA. I pay my own rent, have credit cards and utility bills. My parents haven't helped me much over the years. (They did give me $250.00 in 2007, when I overdrew my bank account and freaked out. But, what's a girl to do working part-time at a small record store while attending boring lectures on Macroeconomics.) And yet, when I want to apply to a community college for a degree in Network Administration, I am told that I need to supply not only my tax information, but also my parents. All these hoops because I was born two days shy of the cut off of July 1988.

FAFSA hoops aside, I feel like I won't be an adult until I'm married or grey-haired or a homeowner. As if I won't be fully developed until there is an "r" in my prefix and a mortgage to my name. Or better yet, if I have tiny copies of me running around driving me insane. 

My hopes and dreams of being an adult without giving birth or incurring serious lifestyle change ride solely on the statistical fact that I am not alone. More women (and men) are choosing to stay single and rent their dwellings. More homes are choosing dogs over children. I am not sure if as a nation we are building a new normal that will stick, or if this new normal will be gone once the economy picks up. For now, I don't feel quite so alone in this Peter Pan life. 

The other confusing syllable is "peer." Personally, I've always had a problem with the word "peer." Mostly, because the word is so flexible. We can choose who our peers are in context between similar age, status or ability. For instance, my peers are anyone unmarried; or twenty-something; or anyone who can draw or blog or paint or walk and chew gum; or anyone unemployed; or anyone lower class. (Or am I lower-middle class? Everyone thinks they're middle class.) So, when a friend tells me she is jealous of her peer who has the new job, should I be jealous? What if, to me anyways, that person is not my peer? And what if I haven't found myself jealous of anyone? 

I have always felt that I exist, mind and body, as a separate thing. I feel like I am not a part of a tribe or group or gander. I don't compare my life to others in a competitive way. I can make a factual statement without spin.  Or, at least, I'd like to think so. This makes it very difficult to point out my peers and, better yet, to understand competition among peers.

Then again, find me a 22 year-old woman in a large city with an art degree from a small town who struggles to find a job and lives with her slightly older, introverted, science-y boyfriend. Maybe then I will have a peer. Or maybe I'll pretend it's a social experiment and one of us can be the control. Who knows what adventures doppelgangers might have.

Booklist

I'm trying to remember all the books I've read. Here is the list so far.


2011

Them: Adventures with Extremists
Tim Gunn's Golden Rules
Holidays on Ice

2010-2006

Fear of Flying
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture
Heart in the Right Place: A Memoir
When You Are Engulfed in Flames
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - College
I Am Not Myself These Days
Push
The Lovely Bones
The Road of Lost Innocence: The True Story of a Cambodian Heroine
God's Brothel: The Extortion of Sex for Salvation in Contemporary Mormon and Christian Fundamentalist Polygamy and the
Stories of 18 Women Who Escaped
Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breaking Free of Warren Jeffs
Shattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist's Wife
The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
Slaughterhouse-Five: A Novel
The Secret Life of Bees
Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2006-2003

Ninteen Eighty-Four
Brave New World
Jane Eyre
Book of Joe
The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Of Mice and Men
Things Fall Apart
Heart of Darkness
The Awakening
Candide
God-Shaped Hole
The Tutor
Speak
I Am the Cheese
Whirligig
Cold Sassy Tree
The Chronicles of Chrestomanci, Volume 1: Charmed Life / The Lives of Christopher Chant
The Chronicles of Chrestomanci, Volume 2: The Magicians of Caprona / Witch Week
Dark Lord of Derkholm
Year of the Griffin
Fire and Hemlock
The Time of the Ghost
Fahrenheit 451
Romeo and Juliet
Feed
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
The Catcher in the Rye
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Crucible
A Raisin in the Sun
Night
The Halloween Tree
From the Dust Returned
Stranger in a Strange Land
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Freak The Mighty
Ella Enchanted

2003-1988?

The Outsiders
The Giver
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl
Number the Stars
Hatchet
Where the Red Fern Grows
A Wrinkle in Time
Marie Antoinette: Princess of Versailles, Austria-France, 1769
Elizabeth: The Struggle for the Throne
Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging
Catherine, Called Birdy
My Brother Sam Is Dead
The World's Best Fairy Tales

If anyone remembers me recommending a book that isn't on this list, please let me know. If any of my English teachers read this and wonder why Metamorphosis or whatever isn't on this list, I'm willing to say I may have used Spark-notes.

100 Things That I Love

Today I read articles on minimalism and happiness. The article on minimalism spoke of Dave Bruno's 100 Thing Challenge. The article on happiness was about how hard it can be to pinpoint what makes us happy. Because my brain is really into remixes, I bring you the 100 Things That I Love list.

1. I love reading about the news online, but hate televised news.
2. I love movies that have good Rotten Tomatoes ratings and explosions (e.g. The Rundown), but generally dislike movies with amazing Rotten Tomatoes ratings (e.g. Gran Torino).
3. I love bar-b-que.
4. I love any show or movie that is set in space... but I don't like Star Wars.
5. I love prints, but hate stripes.
6. I love long hair --- on anyone else but me.
7. I love dancing solo or with ladies, but hate dancing with a guy.
8. I love to see people get what they deserve.
9. I love to window shop online. I spend hours filling up a cart and then close the tab.
10. I love making Excel charts.
11. I love trying new foods.
12. I love hanging out with one person at a time, and feel a little lost in groups.
13. I love being out in the sun no matter how bad it is for me.
14. I love customizing everyday items.
15. I love unexpected uses of everyday items.
16. I love that I can solve most problems with vinegar.
17. I love cheese bread from Domino's pizza with ranch dressing.
18. I love that outside smell that you can't bottle. You just have to go outside and let it sink in.
19. I love anything from the Rosebud Perfume Company.
20. I love affordable shipping rates.
21. I love 7 for $25.50 undies sales at Victoria's Secret.
22. I love catfish.
23. I love that I can realistically sketch anything in front of me.
24. I love the Barenaked Ladies. If I was trapped on a desert island, they could serenade me everyday.
25. I love mnemonic devices.
26. I love portmanteaus. (I even love the word "portmanteau.")
27. I love small, pretty things with excellent design value.
28. I love Jane Tran bobby pins.
29. I love TOMS classics.
30. I love jigsaw puzzles.
31. I love crossword puzzles.
32. I love cryptoquotes.
33. I love zucchini bread.
34. I love asparagus.
35. I love spinach, but I hate lettuce.
36. I love flea markets.
37. I love garage sales.
38. I love big concerts, but hate the crowds.
39. I love vinyl records.
40. I love plants.
41. I love campy movies.
42. I love puns.
43. I love satire.
44. I love exaggerated facial expressions. 
45. I love to make loud, weird noises.
46. I love Heavenly Hash ice cream from Food Club.
47. I love The Beatles, but hate Across the Universe (the movie) and The White Album.
48. I love Doctor Who (2005- ), but grow very tired of Doctor Who (1963–1989).
49. I love blue cotton candy at the movies.
50. I love a Chicago style hot dog with cajun fries.
51. I love laughing so hard my chest hurts, and I'm out of breath.
52. I love Colin Firth. He's easily my favorite actor.
53. I love SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.
54. I love regular Jeopardy.
55. I love Whitest Kids U Know.
56. I love Flight of the Conchords.
57. I love funny t-shirts, but hate text t-shirts.
58. I love talking about anything that isn't religion, politics or sex.
59. I love having close friends who can tell me all about their personal lives, but hate when complete strangers tell me their business.
60. I love being honest, but hate that I have a reputation for being brutally honest. (There are things I keep my trap shut about.)
61. I love being able to look up anything I want online.
62. I love corgis. (You guys knew that was coming.)
63. I love shopping and going to museums alone.
64. I love talking with food in my mouth. (True story. Ask Jared.)
65. I love RED RED RED.
66. I love our cushy orange chair.
67. I love documentaries.
68. I love reading about real life tragedy.
69. I love Amelie.
70. I love purses, but hate backpacks and messenger bags.
71. I love floral tapestry print luggage.
72. I love having painted nails.
73. I love David Sedaris's biographical short stories.
74. I love brightly colored houses.
75. I love colorful, interesting socks.
76. I love sweet tea. (Or, for you Northerners, Iced Tea with sugar.)
77. I love heavy-handed design from the 1970s.
78. I love furniture that is multi-functional, but I hate multi-tasking.
79. I love short sentences that clearly get a point across.
80. I love my bed.
81. I love anagrams.
82. I love pizza.
83. I love notebooks. (Especially Moleskines. And, I'm okay with how hipster that is.)
84. I love cliches.
85. I love fruit flavored, sugarless gum.
86. I love silhouettes.
87. I love snarky cross-stitch.
88. I love Coke.
89. I love my insoles.
90. I love cheese. (Especially goat cheese, Havarti and aged cheddar.)
91. I love smoked oysters and clams.
92. I love shell fish.
93. I love bracelets.
94. I love copper anything. (My copper piggy bank is amazing.)
95. I love finding new television shows to love.
96. I love making my own sound effects and theme songs.
97. I love straightening things.
98. I love really well seasoned salsa.
99. I love metal works.
100. I love lamp(s).

Top 5: Bad Things That Have Made Me Better

Acne

Acne has by far made me a better person. Because, looking back, I was easy on the eyes in middle school/high school even if I was a little chubby. With my lack of moral standards, I really could have been slutting it up a very popular girl. Acne made me feel ugly and unwanted. It made me feel like I was dirty and diseased, like I couldn't be friends with pretty people. It made me feel less than. When I decided that I was a monster... I wasn't going to go down without a fight. Other than a substantial investment in Neutrogena, I invested in me. I got smart; I got witty. I made my own humor. I tapped into my genetic ability to charm people. I learned the art of self-deprecation. When I grew older and the acne didn't go away, I learned that I wasn't a monster. I found peace in me. I accept my own flaws and the flaws of others. I don't need a perfect body or a perfect complexion. Acne made me hate myself at an early age, and that time has passed. I'm grateful for the strength that trial has left me with.

Poverty

One of my few childhood memories is splitting a pizza with my mother for lunch while at work with her in a bikini shop in Panama City. When you're five years-old you don't realize that this is the only thing you'll be eating that day, or that your mother is only going to eat your scraps that day. My mom did whatever she could to hide that we had no money. It wasn't until I moved to Madison that I realized we weren't middle-class. (Part of me thinks everyone likes to believe they are middle-class.) We really weren't. I grew up in a trailer; there weren't family vacations; having money for lunch at school was a big deal. My mother always was worried about money. Because of this, I don't think I'm better than anybody. I'm white trash incognito which is fine, but I don't forget where I've come from. I know how to get by on nothing. I know how to budget. I don't need that big, fancy thing with all the latest gadgets. I value quality craftsmanship and ignore trends. I don't turn my nose up at charity or secondhand anything. Growing up poor has taught me that pride has nothing to do with money, and you don't let your big, turned-up nose get in the way of what you really need.

Authoritarian-Neglectful parenting

Oh noble reader, if you've met me and talked to me, I'm sure I've said something that has made you uncomfortable about my parents. If so, feel free to skip to the end of the paragraph, because old news is old. To explain my parents' parenting style as quickly as possible I will give a small example that represents the whole. My step-dad loved, loved to tell me and anyone he met that he never said "no" to me. He'd say it implying that I was spoiled and a brat or he'd change the emphasis to mean I had a fantastic, indulgent childhood. But, really, I was trained at a very young age not to ask for anything. If I asked for money and was given money, this act would be seen as a favor to be paid back. This act would be held over my head for years, years. I remember my step-dad yelling at me my senior year of high school and bringing up that he drove me to school for a year in middle school (because I was beat up on the bus) like that was some great act of kindness. Looking back, I should have hid my bruises better. But, the silver-lining to this dark cloud, is that I learned self-reliance. I learned how to do things for myself. I learned how to take care of myself when the adults were to drunk to notice me. I taught myself how to cook. I found my own transportation. I was my own boss. I learned that I liked depending on me, because I am my own constant. (Downside is that I still don't like asking for help.) I also learned how to fight dirty in an argument. To me an argument is not about right or wrong; it is about ending the argument as quickly as possible.

Dysthymia

Did you guys know that I'm depressed? What, no? Holley? But, she's so cheery! Well, I am. I always am. I've been seeing shrinks on and off for 13 years ever since I told my mom that in my free time I like to think of all the ways I could die right then and there. And, that my favorite was the idea of the ceiling fan falling on me and chopping me into tiny bits. I learned pretty quickly that people don't like hearing about all your dark fantasies, no matter how gory. So yes, if you've ever felt that I'm a fake and am putting on a happy face for the world to see... you just might be right. Because, I have made the choice to be a happy, positive person. I struggle to focus on the great things that are happening to me everyday and to ignore the shit that I wade through on the way to a sunny demeanor. I've honed my abilities to remain steady, stable and happy. I'm getting really good at it. Because I'm depressed -- slightly -- all of the time, I'm happy. I have accepted the fact that I have to try for it. That's just something I have to live with, and I'm happy about it.

"Home"-lessness

I have never had a time where I did not have shelter to sleep in. However, I have never felt like I have had a home of my own. Growing up, the house I lived in was a prison and a terror to return to. I would do what I could to delay going home and be out as much as possible. Being my boyfriend in high school had one big catch: you had to have a car, because I hated my being at my house. Since I left home in 2006 to go to college, I have lived in a dorm, a junky old house on Market, an apartment on Main, a junky old party house on Southwest, a nice house on Main, an apartment on Main, and a house on Furnace. I move a lot. I lack roots. Because of this, I don't have a lot of stuff (I hate stuff.), and I never get homesick. I have no place that I long to be or fond memories of a place for that matter. I like that I'm not attached to any where, because it negates any kind of nationalism, state pride or hometown spirit. Keeps all sorts of pride from fogging up my decisions.

Why I'm Taken

Fellow blogger Erin McManness wrote an recent entry entitled "Why I'm Single." I've decided to write a differing viewpoint not to argue against Erin, because she is an intelligent, capable person who will one day take the world by storm, but because I need content the way Kathie Lee needs Regis, the way Kanye needs Jesus. (But I hyperlink digress.)

I pride myself on being capable, upstanding and grounded. I've ripped myself from the grips of an abusive home. I've worked and saved for a life I can afford. (With the help of a few years of therapy), I have conquered my demons. I'm a happening, righteous woman that is easy on the eyes. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but my words can cut deep enough. I've bricked and mortared a friendship network I can count on through any storm. I consider myself my own super hero, because I've saved myself. This doesn't make much of an interesting coming of age tale; it's more of a one woman show.

My boyfriend is my companion. He's here to share in my successes and defeats. He'll stand by me and laugh at the ridiculousness of life. We crack each other up everyday. We know how to piss each other off, and for the most part avoid it.

I am very lucky to find someone so willing to listen to my crazy and shake it off. He grounds my flights of fancy far before they've had the time to take off and crash. He'll listen to my awful analogies and smile if I punctuate word play with, "Pun!" I get him out of the house and push him out of his comfort zone. We help each other with everyday life.

My theory of life-long relationships is thus: Find someone you want to watch the movie of your life with in real time.

I like the idea of travelling through this nomadic period in my life with a buddy. I need someone to experience the events I'm experiencing to get a differing point of view. In these modern times, it is easier to find a life partner than to convince a friend to drop what they're doing and travel with you. Dogs can't share their opinion.

When faced with the possibility of having to start over with a different man in a different town, I shrink back thinking of the time I've invested with this person I love. No-thank-you to retelling every unfunny story of my life. Also, it'd be like having to watch the rest of a long movie with someone you have to explain the beginning to. I am plain awful at retelling events. Not to mention, I suck at dating. I'm pretty great at being single though.

TLDR: I'm taken, because I want to share my life.